I feel like I keep searching for something, but I don’t know what I’m searching for. It’s like the feeling of walking into a room and forgetting what I was going to get. I had a reason for going in there in the first place, but all of a sudden I can’t remember what I was looking for. That’s how I feel every day lately. I’m searching aimlessly. I’m craving direction, guidance, clarity. I’m coloring in the lines of the shapes that are handed down to me but I feel like there are other shapes I’m missing. I’m doing the motions but where am I going?
Over the years I have come to believe that the answer lies within. I know this intellectually. The problem I still face is that despite knowing this intellectually, I do not yet understand it emotionally. And I believe that is the key –being able to feel, to realize, to accept. There is no guidebook or black and white lettering to tell me the HOW, which is what I desperately crave. I keep wanting someone or something to lead me, to give me the bulleted steps, to hand me a manual and say this is how it is done. But it’s something I believe now is done with the heart, not the head. My head thinks it can figure anything out. It prides itself on analyzing thoughts and behaviors, grouping patterns together. My head believes that things can be solved as long as they can be seen, felt, heard. Sensed. My heart, on the other hand, this is where I falter. My heart relies on something beyond the senses. A discovery within that I have not yet learned, because I am so used to learning with my head. A process of feeling, allowing, accepting, surrendering, revisiting, unraveling, unpeeling. These are the steps I need to take, and the things I am searching for. This is the journey I am on.