Before

 

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I sit as minutes pass

Without my permission–

I wish they listened.

I need more time;

I hold onto it with clenched fists,

Pray it doesn’t slip

Through my fingers.

 

I’ve lost too much already

Before I knew to hold it tightly.

I lost the years I’d kill to have back,

When minutes felt more like hours,

And months like the time between

Then

 

And now.

 

Back then I loved to watch the sun rise—

Imagined God paint the sky—

Dip his fingers in gold and pink,

Make streaks to pass His time.

 

And now I only curse when red

Emerges from the night.

It floods the sky too quickly,

Reminds me I’m behind.

 

My hair, uncombed,

Teeth numb from grinding

In my dreams,

The ones where i’m flying

Through a maze,

Corners graze my wings.

I lose speed, lose height,

Flying becomes falling:

Hold tight. 

 

This replays each morning–

More minutes gone–

As pink emerges, filling

Where stars just yawned.

Some fall–i try to catch them,

Make a wish or two.

Quite different

Than the ones I’d make

Tossing Lincoln

Into fountains,

Into creeks,

Into lakes.

 

These days I need something stronger:

Like the shots I used to swallow

From bottles hid in my closet.

 

These days I need to wish on

Something so far away,

That I watch as it reincarnates:

Light, sound, space.

 

The distance’s reminiscent

Of how long its been

Since my toes felt dew,

At the same moment when

Dawn tumbles in

And spills red,

Streaks violet,

Laughs orange,

Dances gold—

Stopping just a moment

Before it expands.

 

Today I found a penny

Lying on the ground.

I picked it up,

Tried remembering when

I paid in cents,

Or tipped a street performer

With loose change,

Or collected quarters

With each state’s name.

 

And within that time I realized

That what I’d wished for

I’d just wasted

Thinking about

How it was

Before.